~Playing Favorites~ or Who loves you, baby?
I think we all have favorites - favorite food, favorite color, favorite tv show, favorite song and even a favorite relative. But, what Mother would honestly say they had a favorite child? Well, aside from a Mother of an only! LOL
The day after my brother passed, in one of my Mom's few moments of clarity during the aftermath, she stopped me in the kitchen. She looked deep into my eyes and said "You know I love you, right? More than anything in the world." I told her of course I knew that! She then followed up with "I don't want you to think I love your brother more because I am so upset." I was heartbroken and started crying. As a Mother I knew she had lost part of her heart and yet, she was worried about me thinking he was her favorite or that somehow she loved him more than me. I explained to her later that I would have been mad if she hadn't been as upset as she was those days. Aaron was her baby - she and I are best friends. Her relationship with me is, by nature, so much different than the one she had with him.I can relate to that as I look at my own bunch.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I came out of the store to find D and little D discussing something in the car. When I got in, D informed me that Little D thought we loved Baby T more than him. She is the "favorite" in his mind. I told him that was not the case at all and Little D replied "Good, because I didn't want to think that was true!" I didn't give it another thought. Well, yesterday morning I was laying on the couch asleep. Little D was laying at my feet as usual and Baby T was asleep in the bouncy chair next to me. At some point she woke up and Little D started getting in her face, trying to hug her, basically just bugging her. She started screeching so I ask him to please leave her be and suggested he go into his room and watch tv. He left the room or so I thought. Baby T tugged on my arm so I leaned down and hugged her, patting her back. When I raised up, Little D was standing in the hallway with huge teary eyes. He started crying. Then, he looked at me, with all seriousness and said "See, I KNEW it was true, you DO love her more than me!" Mommy meltdown.
I was heartbroken. The fact that my child could possibly think for one second that I loved any one of them better than the other was terrible. Unthinkable. What had I done to make him think that - how horrible a Mother could I possibly be for him to feel this way? I called him out and explained to him that she is a baby, he is a big boy, they have different needs, etc. I love you all the same. Mommy's can do that, God gives us lots of love for our children even when they are not so perfect. In Mommy's eyes, all of her children are special. He was better after that and went off happily playing. He returned later with a handwritten note for me that said "You aRe SweeT". I had to smile. But somehow, the silly conversation with my Mom took new meaning.
Now, as a mother, daughter and a sibling, these two events have been floating around in my mind. As a Daughter I love my Mom so much and having her think that I would ever question her love for me gives me great pause. As a sibling, I always knew that my brother's role in our family was different from mine. As a child, I don't know if I totally understood and I am sure there were many times that, like Little D, I felt the jealous tug. As I look at my children, I can only hope that one day they will understand that I love them all the same amount but in different ways because they are different people. I am hoping that I do not have the wrong approach to loving my children. I might have one that is closer to me in interests, one that I can talk to and relate to emotionally, one that makes me laugh, one that challenges me and four that just make me happy to be a Mom.
I hope that I never have to see that look on one of my children's face again and I really hope that I don't ever have to look at one of them the way my Mom looked at me and try to explain my grief in losing one of them. My love is endless and overflowing and just when I don't think I can love anymore, God grants me a small gift, a special moment, a giggle, a smile or a wonderful conversation... something that reminds me that just as he has unlimited, unconditional love for us, he has given me that same capacity as a Mother.
So, who loves you, baby? Mommy, that's who!
The day after my brother passed, in one of my Mom's few moments of clarity during the aftermath, she stopped me in the kitchen. She looked deep into my eyes and said "You know I love you, right? More than anything in the world." I told her of course I knew that! She then followed up with "I don't want you to think I love your brother more because I am so upset." I was heartbroken and started crying. As a Mother I knew she had lost part of her heart and yet, she was worried about me thinking he was her favorite or that somehow she loved him more than me. I explained to her later that I would have been mad if she hadn't been as upset as she was those days. Aaron was her baby - she and I are best friends. Her relationship with me is, by nature, so much different than the one she had with him.I can relate to that as I look at my own bunch.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I came out of the store to find D and little D discussing something in the car. When I got in, D informed me that Little D thought we loved Baby T more than him. She is the "favorite" in his mind. I told him that was not the case at all and Little D replied "Good, because I didn't want to think that was true!" I didn't give it another thought. Well, yesterday morning I was laying on the couch asleep. Little D was laying at my feet as usual and Baby T was asleep in the bouncy chair next to me. At some point she woke up and Little D started getting in her face, trying to hug her, basically just bugging her. She started screeching so I ask him to please leave her be and suggested he go into his room and watch tv. He left the room or so I thought. Baby T tugged on my arm so I leaned down and hugged her, patting her back. When I raised up, Little D was standing in the hallway with huge teary eyes. He started crying. Then, he looked at me, with all seriousness and said "See, I KNEW it was true, you DO love her more than me!" Mommy meltdown.
I was heartbroken. The fact that my child could possibly think for one second that I loved any one of them better than the other was terrible. Unthinkable. What had I done to make him think that - how horrible a Mother could I possibly be for him to feel this way? I called him out and explained to him that she is a baby, he is a big boy, they have different needs, etc. I love you all the same. Mommy's can do that, God gives us lots of love for our children even when they are not so perfect. In Mommy's eyes, all of her children are special. He was better after that and went off happily playing. He returned later with a handwritten note for me that said "You aRe SweeT". I had to smile. But somehow, the silly conversation with my Mom took new meaning.
Now, as a mother, daughter and a sibling, these two events have been floating around in my mind. As a Daughter I love my Mom so much and having her think that I would ever question her love for me gives me great pause. As a sibling, I always knew that my brother's role in our family was different from mine. As a child, I don't know if I totally understood and I am sure there were many times that, like Little D, I felt the jealous tug. As I look at my children, I can only hope that one day they will understand that I love them all the same amount but in different ways because they are different people. I am hoping that I do not have the wrong approach to loving my children. I might have one that is closer to me in interests, one that I can talk to and relate to emotionally, one that makes me laugh, one that challenges me and four that just make me happy to be a Mom.
I hope that I never have to see that look on one of my children's face again and I really hope that I don't ever have to look at one of them the way my Mom looked at me and try to explain my grief in losing one of them. My love is endless and overflowing and just when I don't think I can love anymore, God grants me a small gift, a special moment, a giggle, a smile or a wonderful conversation... something that reminds me that just as he has unlimited, unconditional love for us, he has given me that same capacity as a Mother.
So, who loves you, baby? Mommy, that's who!
posted by Tina | 3:48 PM
5 Comments:
Tina, your post really touched me. I really enjoy reading your blog.
((HUGS)) As we get older we understand that what looks like favortism really is just the difference in the relationship. But it is hard when they are little to keep enough balance that they are able to understand everyone is loved equally--differently at times but always equally. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Tina,
thanks for sharing the feelings and such in this post. It can be tough for the little ones to understand, just as it is tough for any of them to get why we get angry one minute but still love them in spite of their faults.
Nicely written!
{{{Huge hugs}}}...I think we have all had moments like that with our kids.
Sounds like you handled it so well. I have one in my house who often feels that way and, of course, it is based on feeling, not reality. You're such a good mom!
Post a Comment
<< Home