Happiness

How do you measure happy? How can you tell if you are happy? Not in a sense of content and cared for but really and truly happy? I am plagued all the time by what ifs. What if I had not divorced my ExDH? Of course the obvious of not having Little D and Miss T but beyond that... what if I got back with him one day? Would it be better? Would I hate myself for leaving in the first place? I did almost go back one time but didn't and now have so much to show for my choice. What if I had kept my job and not decided to homeschool? The obvious of the boys still being in school, T being in daycare, me being unhappy with the job but beyond that... what if I never go back to work? Or, when I want to, what if I can't find a job? I think that somewhere in my mind I know that I worry too much. Ok, that isn't accurate, I guess. I mean, I KNOW I worry too much and much of the time it is about things that I have no control over. I need to stop second guessing and be content in my decisions, not look back and look forward and above all satified with who I am and what I have without doubt! I feel like I am happy with all of that but wonder if my constant what if problem clouds my happiness. Hmmmm... interesting thought.

I love D and my children with all of my heart. I love my family and my friends. I love my life and I love that I am able to stay with my kids and learn from them and with them. Love is happiness as far as I can tell. Can you be happy and have doubt? Well, I think that is inevitable. We are human afterall and not without fault. Maybe I am wrong... great, one more thing to worrying about. LOL